life

Outer narrative:
Mai move on kr chuki hu last rounds tak (ie October to toh koi la koi acha BAMS allot ho Jayega, will take it and move on) no BSC wagera as such.
Create content for YouTube channel and Instagram peacefully. No need to talk much to people. Ab tayari sayari nhi karungi. Simple

Internal work
Will study strategically.
Make sure to atleast be updated with whatever is going is batch. For now in June and July. Will focus on slowly rebuilding the necessary flow/ momentum. Will Study at home till I see a possibility for shifting somewhere else kyuki Ghar pr legit padai nhi hoti.

Plan ko change Krna padega. Satya speaks pe kaam dekho agar jit approves will join for being a part of that community.
Wo serious hoge sab kuch tyag ke meh iss sal nhi padhe wali, bas mehnat se padhai karungi. Pr wo seriousness wala doong rahi karungi last year ki maar coaching mai 12 12 khante sirf padhna, koi content nhi post Krna , dekho time kahi na kahi toh waste hota hi hai usse constructively ek side by side running content channel mai convert kro kya pata opportunities kaha se nikal pade. Halaki I'm totally determined ki abki baar under 1000 rank lani hi h jo ki kahi sayad last year mai itna confidently nhi bol pati thi. Aur mai apni tarf se puri koshish karungi apne AIMED college mai jana ke liye. Pr life mai aisa jaruri nhi ki hamesa hamara Aimed career ya aimed college hi mile, so alteast I should have something respectable for myself to livs with. I just can't live with the identity of a failure. Tumhe pata h mujhe dhngs se betha nhi jata samajh nhi aata ki apne hi ghar walo ka saamne kaise react karu, wo sympathy denge hopes dengs ki next year ho hi jayaga, pr mujhe wo recieve lena hi nhi aata. Mujhs life jeena nhi aata mujhe kuch lena nhi aata na compliments , bas haan critism ko dil pe le leti hu, pr sayad wo ek sahi tareeka nhi usse lene ka aise hi compliments ko properly bhi nhi le pati samajh hi nhi atta ki sayad mujhs jeena hi jhi aata .
Society mai act Krna nHi aata.
Mujhe lagta hai ki successful hoke ya logo ke jyada se jyada kam karwa lene mai meri achai hogi. Logo ki expectations puri karne se mujhe acha lagta h. Pr mujhe under se pata hai ki mai ek galat raaste pe chal rahi hu, pr mujhe pata bhi nhi ki mai apni ye situation change kaise kru aakhir kya tareeka h.

Ek pal ko aisa lagta hai ki mano mai iss neet ke pingre mei fas chuki hu.

Aaj jab meri mummy ne kaha ki ab hum tumhe kahi nhi leke jayenge ab bas tum sirf padho. Ayodhya jane ki soch rahe the, par bas hum dono(mummy papa) chale jayenge. Aisa toh kabhi nhi hua. Mujhe ab wo asli dropper wali feeling aa rahi H, aur ye bas ek suruwat hai. Ek sign hai ki meri life ab bahut isolated hone wali h. Jab tak mai Iss neet ke jal se bahar nhi nikalti. Mere saath kya kya hoga mujhe bhi nhi pata.

Maine ek post dekhi,
" Ki jinka selection iss saal ho jayega wo kuch saal khus rahenge, jinka rahi hua wo 5 sal baad puri jindagi khus rahenge"

Kya sach m mai 23 saal tak khus rehna seekh paungi? Kya main aisi ek life create kr paungi.
Kya chahiye mujhe.
Ek respectable job with decsnt salary. To fund my traveling fantasies. To live and travel with someone I love and he loves me back. A beautiful romantic life full of travel adventures and happiness. Lil fame and a simple happy life connecting with people, nature.
Not being trapped in this bullshit life of failire and isolation. I see I embrace isolation which fosters my growth but so I also seek interactions to be happy and feel worthy of living. Yes I want to give NEET 26 a best shot to let me into my AIMED college but at what cost.