first learning of my beginning 18 : A new empowerment

So, I completed 17 years of life this October 20, 2023. I would say this birthday was the most tense and intense for me because life was making me go through a certain phase or inner morphosis within me. There was a cocoon that was breaking and preparing me for my life/something more intense coming in life. If I want to put a frame, it could be called Treating Good and Bad with the Same intent and don't differentiate or mindfu*k about anybody. Well, one thing to always remember is life and its experience/teaching can never be framed because it unfolds in way you can never imagine. you can only connect dots/events looking back but not looking forward or being in that situation. But as so is the life, we can only learn from the past, and present could only be experienced and future is something that we shall create. here I learned  a very significant aspect of present experiencing. 

I have been watching Sadhguru since 2-3 years now, and as i can remember he always guided, that outer situation could be anyway, butv your experience should be determined by you. The events that happened recently made me  realise the same

We as human being have beautiful experiences, well term beautiful experience is very subjective and peronal to everybody depending upon there mentalty of life, which also contantly changes and as I will chat about later in the post, as that change of mentality thatv happened led me to the beautiful space where i can merge what I think is a good experience and what is  a bad experience as one that is experience of life, that is determined by us. And not daydream about good experiences or stress about bad experiences. Here, I'm refering to moments of love, joy and appreciation by somebody, because generally these are the moments which feel good where you as a ego are recognised and appriciated.

So, I was associated with a very beautiful group of people, with higher states of perception and understanding of life than me. i got to work with them, and sure appreciated of it. And now sometime later the ugliness in me started, what I will called as a  attachment to that experience, Life as ut is always new gives you new experineces every moment, but we just stick to some puddles which feel comfortable. Similarily in my home, for the things which I got appreciated/recognized, like my good academic student, workaholic, pretty, silent person, intelligent decision maker blah blah,  it all stayed with me as my identification, as a very core of my ego. It is all good, but I realsie slowly slowly these complements werent a issue, but my attachment and identification were surely a big hurdle to my self growth. As Sadhguru once said, you cna use every experience of  life, either to entangle yourself or as a stepping stone to your ultimate growth. Most people think (including me sometime before) that so called negative thoughts or emotion hurt or lead to downfall, but I feel entanglement to euphoria is even more dangerous, beacuse is misery I feel or tend to become more consious now, but in euphoria is just waste my energy in daydreams. And now hunt/greed for more validation from those beautiful people in your life begins. Now you do actions to feel more validated and if people don't verify it, you feel separted from within, question yourself and judging yourself of what you just did. basically you start judging yourself and lose the totality of action which is the essence. And as the rule of life, it changes everything is temporary, and maturity and sensibilty is in being aware of this obvious fact, if you seek comfort of your thoughts as being permanent homes, and sit in that puddle by the side of a live river that is life, the river of  life shall break all your homes and dissolve all the puddles and flow. So maturity is being to be filling to flow with it, insteading of resisting it for your attachments. 

And as we have formed good and bad in our mentality, attachment to good and aversion to bad is a natural consequence.

So I would say, the places where my ego as such breaks, or what I basically thinks destroys or I get to encouter my vulnerabilites, the experience of these things is so tense, and the effort/stress to avoid such encounter is even more tense. Due to my involvement in some more appealing events and people, I didn't study for my Academics, which according to my parent shhould be my sole focus, well I feel I am more as a rainbow of colours than a razor beam light to focus on one thing negleting all oyther aspect. So, even after not studying properly somewhere as my own mental image of smart student poersisted that I can do it whenever I just sit and no way ever I will give my exam shit. But life showed me my face, that ueah I am that stupid Vanshika only who needs to study and work to get that good grades. Well it was very tense and painful to see myself so stupid again, I remember the Greed and Fear before exams to just somehow mug up things for now nd study throughly later just to save that image. And the guilt that was happening during exam of why didn't I studied, how can I be like this. And the biggest and most horrific fear of seeing my parents dissapointed and shocked that how can I ruin exam paper so bad. But the clarity of life that arose due to mediation and things I did in those month in which I didn't study, bought is absolute sense of freedom within. Before if I would have been in a situation like this, I would just start to justify every negative experience like this with my thoughts. I would belame one thing oir the other and try to sit comfy with my images, well which I was not able to. Beacuse thoughts are darkness, as they appear after a live experience of life from past ecperiences, so you may think that have come to conclusion but no, now you are even in more darkness. This was something dinine I learned from my friend this time,  otherwise I used to get myself into more darkness. Here is a sample of my usual thought process after such a negative event, it would just be a blame game, either I will blame me or people/situations around me:

' O why did I got into this meditation drama, I was studying that was to be my main focus'

' How can I skip studying, how will my parents feel and think of me, how will they react'

'why is studying such a big fuss, it is not for me I'm better at this thing, so I would do it, why to waste my time where there is no interest/passion'   

Blah blah, don't underestimate my mind is so creative in creating this daggering thoughts to beat myself up before even anybody says anything and land up in the worst limiting conclusions ever or would go on in to uncontrolled torturing.

Her grace, this time I was aware that this is the my mindfuck and I will end up worse. I simply accepged myself as stupid and vulnerable,  and consequence of not studying, I remained in that tension, honestly it was very painful, thoughts did appeared but I accepted them and looked at them, my parents did ask me, I don't know what they thought or felt about my marks, but I let that shivering of uncertainty be their instead of drawing certain conclusions to comfort. 

 I feel a different sense of empowerment of clarity of situation within. And as I learnt to control the aversion of darkness, I automatically became more aware of my attchment to light/good. Well the key is balance of darkness-lightness. I no more belive  or feel urge to fight the darkness, but wait till the tension/friction within me creates light. Life is unfolding and touching me more deep, preparing me such that pain/darkness, doesnt suffer me. My experience is truly my making. I bow down to the dance of Shakti(life), and thank everybody who was a part of this play which happened into this new empowerment within. Well the play is still unfolding, just felt to keep a log of it here.😄☺️🙏🏻

Namaste🙏🏻

Vanshika

Written on 22 October 2023